Viikon vitsit



Questions and answers about marital sexlife

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present …and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.


Itärajan takaa

Venäläisvaimo palaa Pietarista kotikylään miehensä luokse.
- Minua siellä koko ajan huoraksi haukuttiin, voihki vaimo.
- Enkö minä sanonut monta kertaa, että älä mene paikkoihin, missä sinut tunnetaan.

- Tyttö, haluaisitko harjoittaa liiketoimintaa, kysyy Hampuusi-Igor maalaisneidolta kaupungissa.
- Kyllä, jos äiti ei saa tietää siitä.

- Kaikki on valmista leikkausta varten, totesi lääkäri potilaalle Moskovan sairaalassa nro 321.
- Ei missään tapauksessa! Mieluummin vaikka kuolen, kiljui potilas.
- Kuinka vain tahdotte. Lopputulos on kuitenkin sama.

Oli meneillään avioeroprosessi Moskovan oikeudessa nro 123. Mies halusi eroa. -Kansalainen Ivanov! Miksi panitte eron vireille? -Kansalainen tuomari! Voiko venäläisperhe elää 2000 ruplalla kuukaudessa? -Ei, vastasi tuomari. -Siinä näette! Ja tämä lunttu vielä patistaa minua töihin.

Pjotr tapasi ystävänsä Ivanin baarissa.
- Olet kuulemma hiljan mennyt naimisiin, huomautti Pjotr.
- Kyllä.
- No, saitko rehellisen vaimon?
- Olemme asuneet yhdessä kolme kuukautta. Toistaiseksi hän ei ole pihistänyt mitään.


Maailmanloppu

Clinton, Jeltsin ja Valko-Venäjän diktatorinen presidentti Aleksandr Lukashenko olivat kävelyllä. Yht´äkkiä paikalle ilmestyi Jumala.
- Presidentit, Ilmoittakaa kansoillenne, että huomenna tulee maailmanloppu, jyrisi hän.

- Hyvät naiset ja herrat! Ilmoitan, teille kaksi uutista; toinen on hyvä ja toinen huono. Hyvä: Jumala on olemassa. Huono: huomenna tulee maailmanloppu, ilmoitti Clinton kansalleen.

- Hyvät maanmiehet ja -naiset! Surukseni ilmoitan teille kaksi huonoa uutista. Ensimmäinen: Jonkinlainen Jumala vaikuttaa. Toinen: huomenna kaikki menee päin… Ymmärrättehän, ilmoitti Jeltsin.

- Toverit! Minulla on teille kaksi hyvää uutista. Herra Jumala nimitti minut henkilökohtaisesti presidentiksi. Toiseksi: hoidan virkaani maailmanloppuun saakka, ilmoitti mahtava Lukashenko.


Ja muuta hauskaa…

- Mennäänkö Helsinki Shooting Clubille ottamaan pari paukkua?
- Joo, mutta täytyy varoa, etteivät ne mene päähän.

Mitä Helsinki Shooting Clubin kolmoissurmaaja selitti poliisille?
- Ensin aioin pamauttaa tauluun, mutta hillitsin kuitenkin hermoni kylmäverisesti.

Tiesitkö, että keilaajattaret ovat parhaita rakastajia?
- Ellei tule heti kaatoa, saa yrittää kerran paikkoa.

Miten Kalle Palander juhli pujottelun maailmanmestaruuttaan?
- Laskuhumalalla.

Miksi erämaan ilotytöt tulevat halvoiksi?
- Heitä saa vedellä ilmaiseksi.

Aiempien viikkojen vitsit voit lukea täältä.

12.3.1999


AJASSA -SIVULLE