Viikon vitsit


Delay

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving".

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with his trains.

The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Picture this

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the bloke begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

Computer Haiku Error Messages

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Muistutus

Presidentti Clintonin avustaja muistutti päämiestään:
- Sir, mahdatteko muistaa, että tänään on Monica Lewinskyn syntymäpäivä. Käskitte silloin pari vuotta sitten aina muistuttaa Teitä asiasta.
- Enpä tosiaan muistanut koko asiaa. Paljonko hän täyttää?
- Sir, 26 vuotta, avustaja vastasi.
- Voi ihmettä, miten aika kuluukaan. Muistan vielä kuin eilisen päivän, kun hän oli tuossa edessäni polvenkorkuisena.

Mitä urheiluihmiset toteavat rakastelun jälkeen

Mäkihyppääjä
- Tiedän, tiedän. Pituutta olisi saanut olla enemmän.

Jääkiekkoilija
- No, minä vain roiskaisin sinnepäin ja tällä kertaa sattui menemään sisään. Sama kuka sen sinne laittaa, pääasia on että se on siellä.

Jääkiekkoselostaja
- Mitä ihmettä tapahtui? Onko se siellä? Oli kyllä sekava tilanne, vaikea sanoa mitään!

Jääkiekkovalmentaja
- Meidän pitää saada liikettä lisää. Tässä on vielä paljon opittavaa.

Formulakuljettaja
- No, ei sille mahda mitään, että vehkeet pettävät.

Pitkänmatkan juoksija
- Kun ei jaksa, niin ei jaksa...

Olympiaurheilija
- Tottakai olen pettynyt. Sitä kun on harjoitellut tätä hetkeä varten jo 4 vuotta ja sitten mikään ei onnistu!

Jalkapalloilija
- Kyllä tuollaisesta paikasta on jo pakko pistää sisään!

Golfaaja
- Onko nyt minun vuoroni?

Aiempien viikkojen vitsit voit lukea täältä.

14.5.1999

AJASSA -SIVULLE