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The Darksucker Theory

The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs light. In actuality, these "light" bulbs absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined: the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest know particle in the universe.

Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth, that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK. Scientist have now proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on the celestial scale: witness the sun. Our sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the sun.

Occasionally, the sun actually over sucks: under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the sun. Scientists have long studied these "sunspots" and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the sun has over sucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space.

This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as the stream out into space at high velocity via the black holes in the surface of the sun.

As with all man-made devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the Power Company via the wires. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck.

This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark. You have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark, which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet, for it can only collect dark. It has no transmission capabilities, Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate cause of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark, which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery.

When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called "recharging") or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

Leprechaun

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "PPHHRRRRTT!," right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- "PPHHRRRTT!"

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his little dick off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go "PPHHRRRTT!"

Asioita, joita ei pidä sanoa alastomalle miehelle

Ja muuta hauskaa...

Millainen on laihialaisten parranajokone?
- Niin tylsä, että vettä ja vaahtoa ei tarvita. Vesi tulee silmistä ja vaahto suusta.

Miksi naiset pitävät lännenmiehistä?
- Ne ovat aina satulassa ja joka miehellä on kuudesti laukeava.

Mikä on masentavin esimerkki passiivisen tupakoinnin haittavaikutuksista?
- Monica Lewinsky.

Minkä juhlarahan USA aikoo panna liikenteeseen Clinton-skandaalin kunniaksi?
- 69 dollarin kolikon.

8.1.1999