Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident
Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official US court records nationwide..."
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself.
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:
- I heard that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!
- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.
- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?
- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.
- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!
- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well,why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and
functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about
and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should
be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung
and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Ja muuta mukavaa
Mies istui ravintolassa, kun kaveri tuli hänen luokseen ja kysyi:
- Onkos sinulla kiirettä? Voisin tarjota pari olutta.
- Ei tässä kiirettä... Ei ole kuin akka ja matot hakkaamatta.
- Tämä viini on todella vanhaa, yli 50-vuotiasta.
- Ihanko totta? Rouva on sitten varmaan pullottanut sen itse.
Ystävättäret kohtasivat vuosien kuluttua.
- Muistatko vielä sen vaalean, komean pojan, joka vei meitä aina autoajelulle?
- Kyllä, muistanhan minä. Hän muuten kosikin minua, mutta minusta hän oli melko tyhmä. Annoin hänelle rukkaset, vaikka hän sanoi tekevänsä jonkin
mielettömyyden, jos hylkäisin hänet...
- Hän nai minut.
Mikä on ruotsalaisten lempikukka?
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