Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Ready to have kids?
Do this test first and consider once more...
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Different Language
Women's English
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]
Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
Lost
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts:
- Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says:
- Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field.
- You must work in information technology, says the balloonist.
- Yes, I do, replies the man.
- And how did you know that?
- Well, says the balloonist.
- What you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone.
The man below says:
- You must work in management.
- I do, replies the balloonist.
- How did you know?
- Well, says the man.
- You don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
fault!
Sveduja
Miksi Kolmen sepän patsaan jokainen seppä katselee eri suuntaan?
- Etteivät ruotsalaisturistit pääsisi yllättämään.
Veikko oli matkalla Ruotsissa ja eksyi Tukholman ei niin valoisille kujille. Häntä puhutteli epäilyttävä herra:
- Tahtoisitteko tavata siskoni? Hän on vasta 17 vuotta.
- En, järäytti Veikko jämerästi.
- Kelpaisiko teille sitten veljeni? Hän on 16-vuotias.
- Ei varmasti!! Mitä tämä oikein on? Haluan tavata kaupunginviskaalin!
- Hmm, tuumi sutenööri. En lupaa mitään, mutta yritän.
Ruotsalainen oli matkalla Englannin maaseudulla ja alkoi juoda
lähteestä, jonka vieressä oli kyltti "Do not drink - toxic water!"
Englantilainen havaitsi tämän ja huusi:
- Hey! Don't drink! The spring is poisonous!!
Ruotsalainen kääntyi ja sanoi:
- Förlåt, men jag förstår inte engelska. Vad sade du?
- Dricka med båda händer, det är snabbare.
Aiempien viikkojen vitsit voit lukea täältä.
29.9.2000
