Viikon vitsit - Jokes

 22.2.2001

Traveling with wife

A man and his wife were traveling in Texas. A highway patrolman pulled the man over for speeding. The cop came up to the car and asked to see the man´s license.

The wife who was hard of hearing said, "What´d he say?"
He said he wanted to see my license.

The cop said you´re from Ohio. The wife said again: "What´d he say".
The husband said I see you´re from Ohio.

The cop said the worst pussy he ever got was from a girl from Ohio.
The wife said yet again: "What´d he say".
The husband said the cop thinks he knows you.

Napoleonic Code

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer´s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I´m going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don´t let me get that duck, I´ll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don´t know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. Hlowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer´s groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited. The geezer´s second kick nearly ripped the man´s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer´s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it´s my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Stores

A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me", he asked the owner.

The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I´m looking for someone to mind this store for me."

"When do I start?" the guy asked.

"Now. I´m leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack.
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars," he said.
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"Give me the . . . uh, black one. I´ve never had a black one before."
She paid and left.

Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I´ve never had a white one before."
She paid and left.

Then a blonde woman wa dildo rack.
"How much for the for the white dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I´ve never had a checkered one before."
She paid and left.

Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?"
"Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and your thermos for two hundred.

Varastomies

Maapallollamme asustaviin omituisuuksiin kuuluu varastomiehen -nimellä tunnettu olio. Varastomies on joko juuri varastoon menossa tai varastosta tuleva henkilö.

Vastoin yhteistä uskomusta varastomiehet eivät ole päästään vialla. Heidän järkensä vain on jakautunut kahteen osaan: toinen niistä on tuhoutunut tämän ainoalaatuisen ammatin oppimisessa, toinen on käyttökelvoton, koska se on niin täynnä muttereita, tiivisteitä ja muita työhön kuuluvia seikkoja.

Varastomiehet pysyvät hengissä savukkeilla ja mustalla kahvilla. Läpi pitkien työtuntien heidät nähdään liikuskelemassa asuma-alueellaan ("varastoksi" sanotussa paikassa tuuletusaukkojen alla) tekemässä kummallisia temppuja, joita ymmärtävät vain heidän alaansa täysin perehtyneet henkilöt.

Heidän ainoa yhdyssiteensä ulkomaailmaan on laite, jota sanotaan puhelimeksi ja jonka kautta he huutavat vastalauseitaan jokaiselle, joka kuuntelee heitä.

Varastomiehen tuntee hänen kummallisesta tavastaan vatkata toista kättä samalla tavalla kuin pumppukärryn kädensijaa. Tämä omituinen tapa on peräisin kokopäiväisestä pumppukärryjen käytöstä.

Kerran vuodessa, helmikuussa, tulevat varastomiehet lastauslaiturille auringonpaisteeseen siristelemään silmiään. Jos he sattuvat näkemään varjonsa, he ryntäävät heti takaisin omaan valtakuntaansa von uumeniinn, ja silloin jokainen tietää, että ttalvisäätä kestää viielä 30 päivää.

Turuust

Kaksi turkulaista ajoi kuorma-autolla Tampereella. Tienposkessa oli kyltti, jossa ilmoitettiin seuraavan sillan korkeudeksi 3,10 metriä.
- Kato, ja meiä korkeus o kol ja pual metrii.

Toinen turkulainen katseli valppaasti ympärilleen.
- Ann mennä vaa. Ei näy poliisia!

Kerro kaverille

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