Haku Verkkouutisista

Viikon vitsit - Jokes


Blonde Painting

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man´s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You´re finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it´s not a Porch, it´s a Ferrari."

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No one involved cking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it´s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.


A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says,
"You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can´t get this freaking hubcap off."

Ja muuta hauskaa

Lelukaupan myyjä esittelee uutuuslelua:
- Tämä nukke on kuin oikea vauva. Jos sen laittaa selälleen, se panee heti silmät kiinni ja nukkuu kuin vauva.
- Teillä ei ole tainnut olla koskaan oikeaa vauvaa?

Mies otti nuoren liftaritytön kyytiinsä. Jonkin ajan kuluttua mies kysyi:
- Häiritseekö, kun ajan vain vasemmalla kädellä?
- Ei se minua häiritse, pikemminkin tuo oikea käsi.

Mies tuli poliisilaitoksen löytötavaratoimistoon ja kertoi kadottaneensa viisisatasen illalla.
- Ei tänne ole tuotu kuin yksi satasen seteli, totesi konstaapeli. Mutta ottakaa se nyt etumaksuksi siihen asti, kun loputkin löytyvät.

Poika oli saattamassa tyttöä kotiin. Koska matka oli ollut pitkä ja oli jo myöhäinen ilta,voi pääsevänsä yökylään. Tyttö meni ensin sisään ja hiipi hiljaa huoneeseensa, niin etteivät vanhemmat heränneet. Hän avasi ikkunan ja kuiskasi pihalla seisovalle pojalle:
- Osaatko sinä hiipiä?
- Tietenkin osaan, poika vastasi toiveikkaasti.
- Hiivi sitten kotiisi.

Vastavihitty nuori nainen miehelleen:
- Miten ihmeessä sinä rakastuit juuri minuun?
- Katsos pahusta, me ajattelemme ihan samaa asiaa.

Copyright Verkkouutiset - ISSN 1458-4441Suomen Kansallisverkko OyMediakorttiPalautelomake