Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Sex Therapist´s Office
A couple, both aged 78, went to a sex therapist?s office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?".
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?". The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There´s nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We are not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can´t go to her house. I am married and we can´t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. Embassy Suites charges $ 147. We do it here for $50, and get $43 back from Medicare."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don´t talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice: "I have something I must confess to you."
"There´s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything´s all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know", Becky whispered softly. "That´s why I poisoned you".
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sere will buy a lady a drink"?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink"?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it´s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina??"
"As far as I´m concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Young Doctor Tells
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed the hair on her private area had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient´s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn´t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some fd her,her, straighghtened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you´re looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won´t let me fart."
Poika työskenteli marketin vihannesosastolla. Eräs mies tuli hänen luokseen ja pyysi, saisiko hän ostaa vain puolikkaan kaalia. Poika kertoi, etteivät he myy kuin kokonaisia kaaleja. Mies kuitenkin vaati puolikasta, koska kokonainen olisi liikaa. Tähän poika selitti, että hänen pitää mennä kauppiaan luo kysymään.
Poika meni takahuoneeseen ja sanoi: "Siellä on joku ääliö, joka haluaa ostaa puolikkaan kaalista."
Kun hän oli päässyt lauseen loppuun, hän huomasi, että mies oli kävellyt hänen perässään. Niinpä hän nopeasti lisäsi: "Ja tämä herrasmies haluaa ostaa toisen puolikkaan."
Kauppias antoi luvan ja asiakas meni tyytyväisenä pois. Myöhemmin kauppias sanoi pojalle: "Melkein sait itsesi vaikeuksiin, mutta olen erittäin vaikuttunut siitä, miten selvisit. Me täällä arvostamme nopeaa ajattelua. Mistä olet kotoisin?"
"Tampereelta", poika vastasi.
"Niinkö. Miksi lähdit Tampereelta tänne?", kauppias kysyi.
"No, kun Tampereella on vain hutsuja ja jääkiekonpelaajia", totesi poika.
"KRÖH, ÖHÖM! Minun vaimoni on Tampereelta", kauppias sanoi.
"Todellako!? Onko hän pelannut Ilveksessä vai Tapparassa?"
Ja muuta hauskaa
Miettiselle määrättiin käräjäoikeudessa 2000 euron sakko, koska hän oli nimittänyt Hännistä varian käsisittelyn lopusussa tuomari kysyi:
- Onko syytetyllä vielä jotakin sanottavaa?
- Olisi paljonkin, mutisi Miettinen. Mutta se tulisi liian kalliiksi.
Matematiikan lehtori oli korjaamassa kokeita, kun viehättävä opiskelijaneitonen tuli koputtamatta huoneeseen:
- Matikankokeeni ei mennyt kovin hyvin, vai mitä?
- Jooei, virkkoi opettaja.
- Hyvä opettaja, tekisin MITÄ VAAN, jotta päästäisitte minut kurssista läpi... Ymmärrättekö... IHAN MITÄ VAAN.
Opettaja katsoi varovasti ympärilleen ja kysyi ääni hieman väristen:
- Voisitko... Opiskella?