Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack´s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it´s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I´m recently "widowed," she explained. "I´m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don´t worry," Jack said. "We´ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we´ll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow woman that let us sleep in her barn on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob´s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I am afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don´t mind, but I feel much luckier when I´m completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don´t know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Name of the Baby
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, "What will be the name of our baby?" That´ll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby´s name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!
Pohjanmaan soltulta oli mennyt jalka poikki. Lääkäri teki visakoivusta jalan ja kiinnitti sen paikalleen.
Hyvästellessään sotanmiestä lääkäri sanoi:
- Siitä tuli niin luja jalaka, jotta te voitte sillä kävellä ihan hautahan asti.
- Meillä Nurmoossa on sellaanen tapa notta loppumatka kannetahan.
Ja muuta hauskaa
Mikä on nukkuvien puolueen vaalislogan ensi vuoden eduskuntavaaleissa?
- Laveria ei jätetä!
Mistä huomaa. että huumeongelma on levinnyt Suomen maaseudulle?
- Nykyään on ihan tavallista löytää neula heinäsuovasta.
Miten korkeasaari on varautunut järjestysongelmiin?
- Portille on palkattu pari gorillaa.
Miten sokea huumeidenkäyttäjä hoitaa huumeostoksensa?
Millaisia tuloja ilotyttöjen ei nykyverotuslakien mukaan tarvitse ilmoittaa verottajalle?
Mikä orkesteri soittaa soraääniä?
Mitä tiskijukalla on astiakaapissaan?