Viikon vitsit - Jokes

 19.6.2002

House of Ill Repute

An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?"
"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!"
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh!" he says. "Then, how much do I owe you?"

Mutes

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how is it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We have got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there is no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That is a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I am keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I will sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Savolaisia

Kansainvälisuus kasvatuksessa on hyvässä mallissa. Mies kysyi Kuopion torilla mieheltä jotta tietääkö hän, kuinka kaukana Afrikka on. Savolaisukko vastasi:
- Ee se kaakana vuo olla ku Savon sellulla on yks neeker ja se kulukoo pyörällä töihin".

Minkänimiset ovat savolaiset lammasjuhlat?
- Kilipailut.

Savolaisakka meni valokuvaajalle. Valokuvaaja kysyy:
- Otetaanko rintakuva?
- Saeshan tuo piäkii olla mukana, tuumasi akka.

Stadilainen rekkakuski meni Kuopiossa baariin ja tilasi kupin kahvia. Myyjä kysyy:
- Tullooko pulloo?
- E-ei kun kuppiin, hämmentynyt mies änkyttää.

Savolaisukko seisoi tien reunassa kilometripylvään kohdalla, jossa oli numero kolme. Ajoi siihen kaksi herrasmiestä, pysäyttivät ukon kohdalle ja toinen kysyi:
- Mihin tästä mahtaa olla tuo kolme kilometriä?
Ukko vilkaisi ympärilleen ja totesi:
- Eeköhän tuo liene ihan joka suuntaan.

Savolaismies istui Kuopijon rautatieaseman odotushallissa ja alkoi tehdä itselleen sätkää. Viereisessä lipunmyyntikojussa virkailija katseli äijän tekemisiä vähän alta kulmien ja kun äijä sytytti tupakkinsa, virkailija huusi:
- Täällä ei saa polttaa!
Äijä ei reagoinut mitenkään, jatkoi vaan tupruttelua. Kohta virkailija huusi uudestaan ja kovempaa:
- Täällä ei saa polttaa!
- Mittees mänit sinne, äijä tiuskaisi.

Mikä on projektin savolainen määritelmä?
- Projekti on hanke, jossa kyvyttömät yrittävät saada haluttomat tekemään mahdottomia.

- Kiännähän tänne sitä kuanoosi, että suahaan tässä vähän turpoo maestoo, sanoi romanttinen savolaispoika tytölleen puistonpenkillä.

Savolainen karkasi mielisairaalasta. Syy: Pakko paeta.

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