Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I?ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren?t any ducks out there, I?m not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I?m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You?re going to take the dog?s barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn?t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don?t believe it---where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it?s mouth and starts humping Earl?s leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it?s mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at."
Sex at 115
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fights 'em."
Just Three Words
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterwork cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house."
Middle Finger Gesture
Before the Battle of Azincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle fingers of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, the Brits would not be able to draw the renowned English longbow, and therefore would be incapable of fighting in the future.
The longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was called "plucking the yew".
To the surprise of the French, the English won a major upset, and began mocking the French army by waving their middle fingers at them as if to say, "See, we can still pluck yew." The shortened "Pluck yew" caught on as a cry of defiance.
Over the years some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. "Pluck yew" is a little difficult to say (like "mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow). So the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F'.
Isn't it amazing that today the famous words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter!
By the way, it is because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is also known as "giving the bird".
Laihialaisisäntä kutsui ystävänsä ja naapurinsa jouluaterialle ja kehui, että hänellä on oikein kalkkunakin. Kun istuttiin pöytään, isäntä pani näkkileipäpaketin kiertämään. Juhlan kunniaksi tarjottiin toinenkin kierros.
Sen jälkeen isäntä sanoi:
- Tuopas eukko se kalkkuna pöytähän, niin saa nokkia muruuset pöyrältä.
Laihialaismies osti käytetyn hautakiven ja vaati vaimoaan vaihtamaan nimensä.
- Ostatko karkkia?
Laihialainen mies korjasi talonsa kattoa. Vaimo laittoi samaan aikaan ruokaa. Mies putosi katolta, ja pudotessaan näki ikkunasta vaimonsa, jolle hän huusi:
- Laita ruokaa vain ittelles! Minä syön sairaalassa!
Laihialainen tapasi Vaasassa tuttavansa. Tämä kysyi, millä asialla sitä oltiin.
- Häämatkalla ollahan, vastasi mies.
- No missääs nuorikkos on, tuttava kysyi.
- Hän on käynyt Vaasassa jo aikaasemmin.
Ja muuta hauskaa...
Mitä yhteistä on atomipommilla ja Vesivehmaan jenkalla?
- Siinä meni nuoret sekä vanhat samanlailla. Perinteisistä ehkäisykeinoista paras on lasillinen raikasta vettä. Ei ennen eikä jälkeen, vaan sen asemesta.
Huippu-urheilija soitti kotiinsa ja kertoi blondivaimolleen että oli voittanut 110 metrin aidat.
- No, mitäs aiot tehdä niillä?
- Miten sait rahat kasvuhormoniin?
- Ne pisti mua halvalla.
Syrjähyppy on maailman vaarallisin urheilulaji, koska siinä voi ponnistava jalka lipsahtaa!