Viikon vitsit - Jokes
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn´t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
This fellow just sits down to watch the game when his wife says, "I need you to mail this letter for me right away. Go straight to the Post Office and straight back. You got it?"
So buddy is out the door. He figures if he drives fast he can stop for a quick beer and still do the Post Office thing. He enters the bar and hollers at the bartender, "Give me a beer quick." As he sits down the beer arrives and he guzzles it back.
When he looks up and puts his glass down there´s another beer on the table. He says, "Sorry I didn´t order that".
The bartenders says, "No, she did" and points to a hot, llonde at the bar.
So buddy says, "Well I gotta return the favour, and sends a beer over to her." She joins him and they drink ´til the bar shuts down and he offers her a ride. When they get to her place she says, "You may as well come up for a night-cap."
When they get to her room she gives him the old, "Let me slip into something more comfortable."
When she arrives she´s looking real hot and one thing leads to another and they hit the sack and get busy.
When he wakes up it´s 6am. He looks at her and asks if she has any chalk. She says sure her roommate is a teacher. So he rubs this chalk all over his hands and heads home. As he rounds the last corner he sees all the lights on in the house and knows he´s deep in it.
His wife meets him at the door and says, "Straight to the Post Office and straight home, you couldn´t get that right?"
He explains that he stopped for a quick beer and this gorgeous blonde bought him one so he was a gentleman and bought her one. One thing lead to another and they ended up spending the night together.
She says, "Yeah right, let me see your hands." She looks at the chalk covered hands and says, "You son of a bitch just as I thought, you´ve been out shootin´ pool with the boys all night again haven´t you?"
A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend", he said, we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It´s very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I´ve noticed this and have an idea if you´re up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preaacrifice foacrifice foifice for you"? he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!", Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister´s quick reply.
Soon Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!", howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!", bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin yet again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife´s thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that freaking thing in me one more time and I´ll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"
"Amen!", replied all the women in the congregation.
Minä sen tein
Rehellinen juristi palaa oikeuden istunnosta käräjätalon pysäköintipaikalle parkkeeraamalleen Bemarille ja kohtaa hirveän näyn: aniliininpunaisen maantiennielijän etumaski on tuhannen lytyssä ja etuvalojen umpiot korjauskelvottoman säpäleinä.
Paikalla ei näy tuhon aiheuttajaa, mutta lakimies havaitsee tuulilasinpyyhkijän alle taitetun lapun, jossa lukee:
"Anteeksi. Peruutin juuri Bemarisi keulaan. Onnettomuuden havainneet silminnäkijät nyökkäilevät ja hymyilevät minulle hyväksyvästi arvellen, että kirjoitan nyt tähän lappuun nimeni, osoitteeni ja muut tarvitsemasi tiedot. Mutta en minä niitä kirjoita. Heippa!"