Viikon vitsit - Jokes

 30.8.2003

Because I'm a Girl,

I don't need the television remote control, I have to have the VCR remote so that I can fast forward through the commercials in the soaps I recorded. If I can't find the remote, I will sit patiently through most of the commercial, then get frustrated and get up and manually fast forward through the last 2 seconds.

Because I'm a girl, when I lock my keys in the car I will call my husband who is 3 hours away. If he won't come and fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and instead suggests that we call a road service then I will divorce him. Well, at least threaten to.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will complain about how my husband won't work on it for me. This weekend I persuaded him to change the oil and Wednesday my headlight went out - I know he only did that to get out of changing my oil next time.

Because I'm a girl, I have the right to be a bitch one week every month. Yes, a full 25 % of the time I have the right to be as hateful and rude as I want and totally uncaring about you in fact, I know that somehow you are to blame for this. If you are not completely tolerant of me I will tell the whole world what an uncaring jerk you are with no understanding. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a girl, I expect to be able to rely on you to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread, or Cumin, or Tofu. Because I'm a girl, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on you fixing it. If you want to call a repair man that's okay, but for a few more bucks we could get a new one! In fact, don't even bother with it, I don't want to clean up your mess, and a repair man is too expensive. I'll just run downtown and get a new one, where's the checkbook?

Because I'm a girl, I know WE are lost because I am lost, I don't care that you think you know where you are at. I am positive we should stop and ask someone, but don't even think about asking ME to go in that gas station and ask a stranger for anything, much less directions! And put that map away, you can't drive and look at that map. Oh no, don't give it to me, you know I don't know how to read those things.

Because I'm a girl, there is no need to give beyond a one word answer when I ask what you are thinking about. I only asked to open conversation so that I can tell you what I am thinking about.

Because I'm a girl, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is just fine with me. YOU DID WHAT?!? You never got one of those for me!! I'm leaving! When you get ready to apologize, I'll be at Moms.

Because I'm a girl, I am capable of repeating the story (at your family reunion) about how you and your buddies go get drunk and stay out all night. I can repeat this story every year and tell it so as it sounds like a new event even if it did only happen once 5 years ago. If you so much as open your mouth while I am telling the story I will blurt out something like - OH, ARE YOU DENYING IT? TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!

Because I'm a girl, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If it had Arnold Schwarzenegger, or a gut like that. I didn't like it and I can't believe you did, in fact I am mad at you for liking it. And if I am crying at the end of it, I did like it and you BETTER have liked it too.

Because I'm a girl, yes, I have to turn up the radio when the latest pop sensation tune comes on. And yes it is a must that I buy the tape, wear out the one song, and then clutter the glove box and console with the worthless piece of junk. I'm tired of it for a while, but you better not take it out of my car, or even think about throwing it away. This process is best carried out in conjunction with the 8 hour vacation drive.

By the time we get to the beach, he will go along with whatever I want. For the next few days he will care about nothing but getting that stupid tune out of his head, then we can return home (with a new pop sensation picked up at the beach gift shop at twice the bucks).

Because I'm a girl, I think what you're wearing is fine even though you didn't ask. I thought what you were wearing the other day would look better though. No, no, no, I don't like that either, here put this on.

Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Pohojalaanen miehuuskoe

Mennähän Ilimajoen Kantakrouvihin, otetahan olut, nojatahan tiskihin ja huuretahan salihin, notta:
"Pesäpallo on homojen peli!"

Paavo neuvoo

Erkki kysyi kaveriltaan Paavolta:
- Kuule, Paavo, minkä takia naiset aina katselevat sinua eivätkä minua ollenkaan?
- No, se johtuu siitä kun minä laitan aina uimarannalla ison perunan housuihini.

Parin päivän kuluttua Erkki tuli taas kysymään neuvoa:
- Ei se toimi, naiset vain kiertävät minut kauempaa.
- Kuule... Laita ensi kerralla peruna etupuolelle.

Junassa

Junassa istui vastakkain hieno rouva ja mies, joka rapsutteli itseään hieman sieltä ja täältä. Rouvaa miehen käytös ärsytti ja hän sanoi:
- Miksi Te raavitte itseänne?
Mies katsoi naista ulmeisen hölmistyneenä ja vastasi:
- Siksi, että minä olen ainoa, joka tiedän, mistä kohtaa kutian.

Ja muuta hauskaa

Mitä yhteistä on pikkuvauvalla, opettajalla ja upseerilla?
- Kaikki uskovat saavansa tahtonsa läpi huutamalla tarpeeksi kovaa.

Mitä sanoi lapualainen naispoliitikko poliisin kuulustelussa?
- En pyytänyt, enkä saanut.

Mitä kansanedustaja tekee, kun hän äänestää tyhjää?
- Juuri niin kuin ajattelee.

Miten telkkarissa näkyy, että syksy on tulossa?
- Telkkarissa on juuri aloitettu kesän 2004 uusintojen esikatselu.

Mikä todistaa, etteivät hinnat ole euroon siirtymisen takia nousseet vaan paremminkin laskeneet?
- Se, että pullakahvi maksoi ennen euroon siirtymistä kympin, mutta nykyään sen saa jo viitosella.

Poliisi oli viettänyt todella rankan yön yövuorossa. Koko yön hän oli juossut roistojen perässä, paljastanut katalia juonia ja tehnyt kaikkensa pelastaakseen maailman. Aamun koittaessa hän lopulta sulki väsyneenä tietokonepelinsä ja lähti kotiinsa nukkumaan.

Mitä eroa on teknikolla, insinöörillä ja diplomi-insinöörillä?
- Teknikko tietää miten, muttei miksi, diplomi-insinööri tietää miksi, muttei miten, ja insinööri ei tiedä kumpaakaan.

Miksi psykiatrit kehottavat kiireisiä ja stressaantuneita vanhempia viettämään enemmän aikaa lastensa kanssa?
- Näin he varmistavat, että heidän ammattikuntaansa tarvitaan vielä seuraavienkin sukupolvien aikana.

Olipa kerran neitsyt, joka olisi vieläkin neitsyt, ellei kohtalo olisi pannut sormeaan peliin.

Pula-aikana kulkuri saapui köyhään maalaistaloon. Katseli tuvassa ympärilleen ja kysyi:
- Oiskos täällä mitään suuhunpantavaa?
- Ei oo muuta kuin kuolaimet.

Asiakas ihmetteli parturissa:
- Miksi teillä on täällä asiakkaiden luettavan pelkkiä kauhulukemistoja ja kummitustarinoita?
- Minun on helpompi työskennellä, kun asiakkailla on tukka pystyssä.

Turkulainen seksiopas
1. Sisään
2. Ulos
3. Toistetaan tarvittaessa

Miten Paavo Lipponen aikoo päästä EU:n komission puheenjohtajaksi?
- Omien sanojensa mukaan ihan tavallista reittiä: ensin virka-autolla lentoasemalle, sieltä vip-tilojen kautta lentokoneeseen ja ensimmäisessä luokassa Brysseliin.

Mitä tapahtuu, kun sulhanen seisoo morsiamen rinnalla?
- Morsiamella on hengitysvaikeuksia.

Kerro kaverille

Kolumnit

Tulosta