Viikon vitsit - Jokes
6.6.2001
Moral Story
A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. They pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells: "COW!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and yells: "PIG!!" They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road. MORAL OF THE STORY: If only women would listen…
Heaven
An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It´s free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter´s reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?", asked the old man. "Don´t you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!", Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That´s the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." d man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and the wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren´t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Ska jag ta båda?
Drängen hade länge funderat på hur han skulle kunna få både bondmoran och pigan samtidigt då han äntligen såg sin chans. Han var tillsammans med bonden ute på leråkern då bonden bad honom gå hem och hämta hans stövlar. Väl uppe vid huset sa han:
- Bonden sa att jag skulle få sätta på er båda två.
- Det kan jag aldrig tänka mig att han lovat,sa bondmoran.
- Vänta så skall du få höra då, sa drängen och öppnade dörren och skrek ner till bonden:
- Skulle jag ta båda två! - Det är väl klart som fan!, skrek bonden till svar.
Ja muuta hauskaa...
Mitä nymfomaani totesi helteellä?
- Saisipa sataa. Basisti oli häämatkalla Turusta Tampereelle. Hän pysäytti auton Tampereen pikkutielle ja työnsi kätensä vaimon pikkuhousuihin, johon vaimo:
- Voit mennä toki pidemmällekin, ollaanhan me nyt naimisissakin.
Basisti ajoi Vaasaan... Mitä yhteistä on soijalla ja hieromasauvalla?
- Molempia käytetään lihan korvikkeena. Homoeroottisilla filmijuhlilla eräs ohjaaja kiljui riemusta saatuaan Oskarin. Pahoinvoiva jättiläinen heitti mannerlaatan.
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