Viikon vitsit - Jokes
An American tourist, named Robert, goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I´ve got bad news for you. You´ve contracted Mongolian VD. It´s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I´m sorry, there´s no known cure. We´re going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well it´s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he´ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lale disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctol! Amellican doctol, always want to opulate. Make mole money, that way. No need to opulate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no wolly! Wait two weeky. Dick will fall off by self!"
Farmer Joe´s Accident
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enofor the accident to court.
In court the trucking company´s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn´t you say, at the scene of the accident, ´I´m fine,"´ asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I´ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ... "I didn´t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ´I´m fine!´".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe´s answer and said to the lawyer, "I´d like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn´t want to move. However, I could hear ol´ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."
"Then... the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Ja muuta hauskaa
- Miksi parturimaksu on Tampereella viiampereella viisikymppiä?
- Se on kymppi ja kantti.
Mitä yhteistä on miehellä ja koiralla?
- Kumpikin osoittaa kiintymystään nuolemalla.
Mikään ei ole niin viisas kuin insinööri. Paitsi majava, koska se sukeltaa sateelta suojaan.
Mitä saadaan, kun risteytetään norsu ja kenguru?
- Valtavia monttuja.
Miksi kutsutaan sitä, joka ei ole hevonen eikä ihminen, vaan siltä väliltä?
Johtaja Mäkinen alkoi golfata, mutta joutui kohta lopettamaan, ei sen takia, ettei olisi oppinut, vaan lihavuutensa vuoksi. Kun hän laittoi pallon sellaiseen paikkaan, mistä sen näki, hän ei ulottunut lyömään. Kun hän laittoi pallon sellaiseen paikkaan, josta olisi ulottunut lyömään, hän ei nähnyt sitä.
Ville oli lääkärissä valittamassa vatsakipuja.
- Juokaa joka aamu tyhjään vatsaan kupillinen haaleaa vettä, neuvoi lääkäri.
- Niinhän minä teenkin, vaikka vaimoni kyllä kutsuu sitä kahviksi.
Kaksi sääskeä seurasi golfkentällä, kuinka eräs mies huitoi mailallaan raivoisasti ilmaan hipaisten palloa vain hyvin harvoin. Lopulta toinen sääski virkkoi:
- Meidän on parasta istua pallolle, muuten hän lyö meidät kuoliaaksi.
Miksi vanhat ihmiset ovat niin arvokkaita?
- Koska heillä on hopeaa hiuksissaan, kultaa hampaissaan, kiviä munuaisissaan, lyijyä jaloissaan ja kaasua vatsassaan.