Viikon vitsit - Jokes
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren´t going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I´m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."
Advantages of breast milk
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can´t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma´am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, ´Is this guy blind, or what?´
"You´re in ams her.
"But, Officer, I´m not fishing. Can´t you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma´am. I´ll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn´t even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that´s true. But you have all the equipment.?
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can´t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin´ it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can´t you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I´m going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.e front of the truck. He truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell´s the matter with you two? Didn´t you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes!"
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 live in a house together. One night the 76 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath"?.
The 74 year old yells back "I don´t know. I´ll come up and see". She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down"?
The 72 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful".
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I´ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who´s at the door".
Aatami valitteli Jumalalle yksinäisyyttään paratiisissa, ja niinpä Jumala tarjoutui luomaan naisen Aatamin kaveriksi.
- Minkälainen hänen pitäisi olla, Jumala tiedusteli.
- No, hänen pitää olla kaunis ja älykäs, mutta ei mustasukkainen. Hänen pitää osata laittaa ruokaa todella hyvin. Koskaan nainen ei saa valittaa päänsärkyä, vaan olla aina hyvällä tuulella.
- Se maksaa sinulle molemmat jalat ja yhden käden, ynnäilee Jumala.
- Mitä saa yhdellä kylkiluulla?
Lähiökapakassa istuskeli monta vuotta muuan mies. Sitten hän katosi. Vuoden kuluttua hän ilmaantui jälleen kuvioihin. Kaverit kyselivät mitä miehelle oli tapahtunut.
- Altää ja niinpä menin naimisiin, vastasi mies.
- No, nyt olet jälleen kuvioissa.
- Niin, nyt täällä istuminen tuntuu jälleen oikein mukavalta, mies vastasi.