Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Dumb and Dumber
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"
Sneakers
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
Testimony
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this.
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that
room.
Poker
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.
"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.
"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.
"Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
Archeological Interpretations
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.
To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically
The President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left......
Now, look again..... It now says : "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
Suggestion
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help as she now continually stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."
Willing to try anything the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs.
"Why not? It worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Dishes
We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Jos masentaa
- Mene lounasaikaan istumaan autoosi ja osoittele ohi ajavia tukankuivaajalla.
- Anna yhteysosoitteeksesi joko xena-goddess-of-fire@yritys.com tai elvis-lives@yritys.com
- Aina kun joku pyytää sinua tekemään jotain, kysy: "Saako olla ranskalaiset myös?".
- Laita kahviautomaattiin kofeiinitonta kahvia kolmen viikon ajan. Kun kaikki vapisevat rauniot ovat päässet irti addiktioistaan, täytä automaatti espressolla.
- Kirjoita aina pankkisiirron selityssarakkeeseen "seksuaalisista palveluista".
- Lopeta lauseesi aina sanoihin "Näin on ennustuksessa kirjoitettu".
- Kysy ihmisiltä, mitä sukupuolta he edustavat.
- Sano pomollesi, että kuulet ääniä sisälläsi, mutta eivät ne pahemmin häiritse.
- Mene runoiltaan ja kysy: "Oletko koskaan kuullut loppusoinnuista?".
- Sano pomollesi, että sinua häiritsevät äänet, joita kuulet hänen päästään.
- Ota selville pomosi käyttämä vaatekauppa tai räätäli ja osta täsmälleen samanlainen asu. Aina parempi, jos olette eri sukupuolta.
- Lähetä aina sisäinen sähköposti, kun menet vessaan: "Olen vessassa, jos joku
kysyy".
- Levitä hyttysverkko työpisteesi ylle.
- Kun sinua pyydetään juhliin, jotka ovat ensi viikolla, sano ettei sinua juuri silloin huvita.
- Ilmoita lapsillesi ruokapöydässä, että perheen taloudellisen tilanteen takia yksi heistä joutuu lähtemään.
Aiempien viikkojen vitsit voit lukea täältä.
12.5.1999
