Viikon vitsit - Jokes
Copying
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.
So, the new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate', NOT 'celibate' " said the old monk through the bitter tears...
Interviews
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly.
But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
Noise
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
Sandwiches
Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.
The first construction worker said, "Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."
The second construction worker said, "Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!"
The last construction worker said, "Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper."
The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself. The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself.
And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.
At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich."
The wife of the second construction worker said, "If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich."
The wife of the third construction worker said, "I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!"
Jos masentaa
- Mene lounasaikaan istumaan autoosi ja osoittele ohi ajavia tukankuivaajalla.
- Anna yhteysosoitteeksesi joko xena-goddess-of-fire@yritys.com tai elvis-lives@yritys.com
- Aina kun joku pyytää sinua tekemään jotain, kysy: "Saako olla ranskalaiset myös?".
- Laita kahviautomaattiin kofeiinitonta kahvia kolmen viikon ajan. Kun kaikki vapisevat rauniot ovat päässet irti addiktioistaan, täytä automaatti espressolla.
- Kirjoita aina pankkisiirron selityssarakkeeseen "seksuaalisista palveluista".
- Vastaa aina pomollesi "niinhän sinä luulet".
- Lopeta lauseesi aina sanoihin "Näin on ennustuksessa kirjoitettu".
- Säädä näyttösi kirkkaus äärimmilleen niin että se valaisee koko työpisteesi ja sano ihmettelijöille, että pidät siitä juuri tuollaisena.
- Hyppele aina kun voit.
- Kysy ihmisiltä, mitä sukupuolta he edustavat.
- Sano pomollesi, että kuulet ääniä sisälläsi, mutta eivät ne pahemmin häiritse.
- Mene runoiltaan ja kysy: "Oletko koskaan kuullut loppusoinnuista?".
- Sano pomollesi, että sinua häiritsevät äänet, joita kuulet hänen päästään.
- Ota selville pomosi käyttämä vaatekauppa tai räätäli ja osta täsmälleen samanlainen asu. Aina parempi, jos olette eri sukupuolta.
- Lähetä aina sisäinen sähköposti, kun menet vessaan: "Olen vessassa, jos joku kysyy".
- Levitä hyttysverkko työpisteesi ylle.
- Kun sinua pyydetään juhliin, jotka ovat ensi viikolla, sano ettei sinua juuri silloin huvita.
- Ilmoita lapsillesi ruokapöydässä, että perheen taloudellisen tilanteen takia yksi heistä joutuu lähtemään.
Aiempien viikkojen vitsit voit lukea täältä.
5.5.2000
